Detached
I can’t be mad with her… I’m just not able to…!
I was really, really sad and disappointed… and I promised to myself not to write to her again and not to call her… and I actually made it..! And than, in the early evening, she wrote me a message to aks me… when I’ll be at the party that night…! So I just asked back, when when she’ll arive there… and that’s it…! I didn’t wrote something like “alright honey… I’m looking forward to see you tonight…” - and actually I was almost a little bit “proud” of myself… coz, for a few hours… I was… kinda… “strong”. But than… she called me, and asked to wait in front of the house, coz she had no idea where to park and so on… and of course I was like: “Yeah, of course!! No problem at all! I’ll be there! See you in a few minutes…!”
When she arrived I just hopped into and we were looking for where to park - together - and it was … quite normal… we were just talking about the party, and about we’ve done all day long… - and there was nothing…. - there was no apologize or at least one word because of my messages…! But, me by myself didn’t say anything because of it, and although I was still really, really sad… I just didn’t show it!
- I don’t know, it was always like that… I was always afraid or even scared of complaining about anything towards her… I would never say anything… coz I really don’t want to argue with her…! I’m really scared that I would immediately lose her if I do something like that… if I request too much of her… coz that’s actually not my part… I’m not allowed to “take”…coz my part is obviously just to “give”…! But that’s alright… coz I really prefer to play a part in her life which doesn’t really satisfy me… instead of playing no role at all…!!

I love her, and nothing can change that fact! But single day, I’m not with her, shows me, that I really can’t live without her anymore…! I need her so much, that I almost can’t stand it…!

It’s just so weird, coz I didn’t see her and I didn’t had any contact to her since last Saturday… - and that makes me really, really sad … and desperate! I don’t know what she’s doing and if she’s alright…! And I really miss her like crazy… - I hate that disctance… she’s so far away for me right now…! But that’s not the first time… it already happened so, so often… but again.. I’m just powerless… and I really don’t know what to do!

All I know, is that I love her…! I love her more than anything else in life…!