shitty
Originally written yesterday evening, just recalling again:
Today I really hate my own person and being what I am. I dont wanna watch the mirror and, to be honest, I dont wanna talk to anyone, cause this self-hate would just be projected on that person who probably didnt deserve it.
I dont wanna die, I just... I dont know what I want. Perhaps be someone else, perhabs just be there, being ignored by everyone. Just let me breathe an shit an give me food an water once a while. I dont want to hurt anybody! Godfreakindamnit! And I seem to be too fuckin good at that. Sometimes I wished the Lord hadnt given me vocal cords, but what would I do in future, studying English and German? So I think of it an refuse it again. Fuck! Fuck! FUCK! I feel like a dirty piece of shit taking advantage of others' problems by making jokes about them.
Dear God, just make it stop! Please!!
Why in the name of Christ am I such an asshole?!
And why would anybody like to walk next to me? I dont understand that. Even I myself wouldnt like to do that. By the way, today I recognized that it seems to be ok to drink, if people just dont see that you're drunk. So just dont tell them an you can have your dose in the evening, to stop thinkin, to stop worrying... Damn, I didnt drink enough today! Well, I think I'll just go to sleep and think of my own weaknesses... Fuck it all.