Just two seconds
17.01.2004

I was not looking for her for the whole day, yesterday!!
- No, honestly that’s not exactly right, because during break I went out - hoping that she had parked her car in front of school. But she had not.
And after the 4th lesson I wanted to go home, and I remembered to go downstairs the white stairs because I knew that she had to go upstairs there the same time, and actually she really had. I turned around and saw her. She was smiling at me for a short while but it didn’t matter anything special. I was waiting for her in front of the door, and she came over, gave me a kiss, said that she had to go to the shop. One, two seconds, than she was turning around and already was gone again.

I was thinking about these two seconds for about hundred times now, but I’ve got really no idea what they meant to be.
On the one hand I’m really happy because of that kiss, and if there was not this strange feeling inside of my heart, I would probably say that everything is alright. But it isn’t.
She’s not calling, she’s not responding, she’s even not really talking to me anymore.

I promised myself to accept it. To accept it, if she doesn’t want me to go out with her or if she doesn’t want to go out with me.
The whole afternoon I was thinking of her. Hour for hour passed by and I promised myself not to write a message or to call her - like a test, because I wanted to know if she would do it. But there was nothing.
I was really proud of myself, because I thought that I’m strong enough to make it, but than during one second I took the telephone and whiled her number. I don’t know why. Maybe, just in order to hear her voice, to talk to her, to get to know what she will do at night - and maybe I was also afraid that she would think that I’m not interested in her anymore.

“Hey, where are you?” - “still at home!” - “You are going out?” - “Yes, with the others, it‘s … birthday!” - “I just wanted to tell you, that there’s a very important championship tomorrow, and you really have to cross your fingers please!” - “Alright, I will!” - “have a lot of fun!”

- Just about one minute at all.
She did not ask how I am, Where I am, what I will do, why I won’t go out; she even didn’t want to know anything because of my championship ….

Then, today in the evening I was writing a message to her - “also if you remembered it, crossing your fingers was not really useful. I’m not satisfied but it was alright” - no response.

If I would not have called her yesterday, I would not have heard anything of her till now. Actually, it’s Saturday night and I’m at home. Alone. I even don’t know what she is doing or where she’s going.

Nothing, just nothing.

I miss her so much and I really don’t know what to do.