I just have to be patient
31.05.2004:

What an amazing evening!
We’ve been just talking! Talking about so many things, in such an intimate way… about sex, about bisexuality and homosexuality, about our friends and about our sexual experiences. About our future and about our summer trip to A…. About us, about our behaviour towards each other. About our past!
Such moments are really, really rare, but that’s exactly when I feel that we are really best friends…and that she really trusts me…

Honestly I was shocked in some way, when we talked about our “first time”, respectively, I was really irritated … she actually told me, that she’s still … a virgin!
I couldn’t believe that, cause she talked so often about the opposite during the last four years! I don’t know if she was serious, because a few minutes later she said that she was just kidding, and that it isn’t the truth … but,..! Actually I don’t know, if she just wanted me to believe in it or if she seriously wanted to tell me finally the truth. I’ve got no idea if she just denied it because she realized that I was really “shocked” in some way!

I’m still irritated right now! Cause I don’t know if she lied on me like on every other person during the last four years or if it was really just a joke, and I don’t know what’s the worse! Actually I wouldn’t care anyway, because I’m lying either…! And I almost confessed it …- cause I really regret that there is such a lie between us, seriously!!
If I could, I would really turn back time, because I hate myself for being so weak and bitchy…

But both of us, were really out going tonight, because we also talked about our “relation” to each other! Cause in her opinion, most of the younger generation will be bisexual in a few years and that we are actually the beginning …
Now I know, that I just have to wait for the right next moment, the right moment in connection with alcohol, and I’ll get again the opportunity to be … close to her!