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2004-07-20 13:27
Desparate to see her
Fortunately, there are only a few days left… I can’t wait to see her again, to be next to her again! Although our calling today was not like in the former times… - coz this special ‘oh darling I love you so much and I really miss you endlessly’ was missing in some way… - and it seemed like we didn’t had to tell us anything…!! That was a really strange feeling, although I was so, so happy to hear at least her voice!
It’s strange, time is passing by and I’m not able to say if it feels like “already” three weeks or like “just” three weeks…! But I think it’s a very, very bad moment right now, coz the messages are getting more and more seldom and even the calling… - so, it’s quite perfect, that she’ll be here in just a few days…!

But, nevertheless, I’m really scared, that she’s not really looking forward to her visit… well, I don’t know why, maybe I’m just scared of being alone with her all the time, coz actually that’s the first time…! Of course we’ve been to Disneyland and to all the other Themeparks and of course also to Croatia for several times, but never only the two of us! We’ve been always with the others or at least with J…! Honestly, I’m scared that she might get disappointed because we might not have so much fun like for example during her Mallorca holidays with J…?! But I really hope that it’ll be just a great time for us!

And it really makes me crazy, that I’ve got no idea what’s really going on at home, especially between her and W…?! She wrote me several times, that it’s really terrible at home, and that so much happened between them, and that she so sad coz I can’t be there for her right now… but when I called her, she was always with him and it seemed like in the former times and like nothing had happened…! And when I asked her about it, there was never a response…!
It’s really weird, coz on the one hand I hate it to know that she is sad because of him and of course I just wish to see her happy…, but on the other hand I’m also scared, that if everything is just perfect at home, she might be worried of her goodbye…!

Honestly it’s getting worse and worse everyday… - I can’t stop thinking about her and sometimes I think I’m really going crazy, coz every time I saw her it was amazing…! It seems like she’s tatooed in my heart, in my mind, in my soul… - coz really nothing can compare to her…!
I can’t go on without her by my side, I’m not that strong, I need her in my life…!

I can’t find a reason to let her ever go, even so she has obviously found a new love - and he seems to be what her dreams were made of…!

Sometimes I wake up crying at night, sometimes I scream out her name! No one has ever the right to take her away from me…! I don’t need her to be happy, I need her to stay alive!!

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2004-07-20 13:27