Willkommen auf Tagtt!
Thursday, 28. March 2024
Tagebücher » Bunny_Hop » News, Bilder, Videos - Online
Tagebuch Bunny_Hop
2015-11-24 12:08
Just be
He asked me to marry him.
And it should have been a dream come true. It is what my best friend is waiting for with her own partner. It is what everybody is expecting of us. It certainly is what our parents would want.

However at some point and reading one of my last entries, it seamed to be four years ago, something had changed.
I had changed in a quite substantial way, that I am only beginning to realize, to get a hold of.
I am still working crazy hours, I still have my flat and obviously my partner, with whom I still don't live with.
But a few month ago, I made a decision. A huge, life changing, no-way-back decision. I took a promotion and am now working on an assignement in Australia. 15.000 kilometers away from home.
He came with me at the beginning, to make the move, the transition easier. So I was working and he was having a vacation. It was nice to have him around.
One day I came home from work and he just proposed to me. Three days before he was going back to Germany and we were starting a two year distant relationship. Six month after he had told me, that he might probably never want to get married. Two month after I had told him to not ask me in Australia in a random conversation, because I would never say yes.

So he asked me that night, regardless of every word spoken. Not regarding the fact that his part in my decision to take the assignment abroad wasn't just a small piece, but the big picture.

So I declined and just realized, that I am so fucking mad at him. I am mad at him for not listening, for not asking sooner and for asking at all.
Because I know why he asked me in Australia and not back home. I know it with a certainty that makes me sick in the heart.

But the proposal is not the problem. I turned it around okay. Made a promise out of it, to get married, when we survive the two years.

The work is the problem, being on another continent is the problem, having new colleagues and time is the problem.
Because I am realizing that I have indeed changed, but not.

I can see ME again. I feel HER again. And deep inside I know, that for six years of my life, I haven't allowed myself to be. JUST BE.

Somewhere in my life I turned a page and decided to leave things behind. Cruel things, sad things, devastating and life changing things, but also things that where distinguishably me. I became that other person.
That horribly boring, responsible person, that was always tired, had no fun, wasn't motivated to go out or do sport or anything.
I became that miserable person, I despised and that was another part of the reason why I took the assignment.

By talking to a new colleague of mine and really enjoying the superficial, but somehow very intense conversation, he gave me an insight of his perception of me. And what he sees isn't Ms Miserable, but this other person. A person you have fun with, that is sporty and self-conscious. A person I really like.

Kommentare

02:31 07.12.2015
Wow, Australia Schön, dass Du dich mal wieder auf Worte und Gedanken einlässt. Sind ja auch große Entscheidungen, bzw. eine große
Mal sehen, wofür Du dich letztendlich entscheidest, die Jetzt-Möglichkeit oder für eine Später-Möglichkeit - mit wem auch immer. Und ein Australienleben wäre vielleicht doch "größer" als die Rückkehr?
Für Deine Entscheidung ...
Good luck!
Soll der Kommentar wirklich gelöscht werden?
Löschen | Abbrechen

Kommentieren


Nur für registrierte User.

Bunny_Hop Offline

Mitglied seit: 29.07.2005
DE mehr...
Wirklich beenden?
Ja | Nein

2015-11-24 12:08