Haunted mind of mine
The skin smelled sweet. I do not know whether it was the hand cream or a spritz of perfume gone in a different direction than intended. Eventually it was just the skin.
The teacher was talking in front, but I was unable to listen, I could just stare. I heard the chatter of the people like a hum around me. It reminded me of the sounds that bumblebees make buzzing around. More than a whisper, less than actual words.
I decided not to calculate the exercise given. I do not think I was capable of that right now. I felt my pulse, heartbeat. Quicker than usually, accelerating as I draw my attention to the growing noice inside me. It made me question how much I could bear, before I would burst?
I looked around me and it was like I had never seen a crowd of people this way before. It was intense, yet I felt numb.
Someone chocked in my back, I heard their breathing. I was in a room full of people, but I have never felt more alone, by myself.
I wondered what had triggered that awkward situation, moment, whatever. I could not think, form a single thought in my mind. Although there were a 1000 thoughts at once.
I felt the throbbing pain in my head. Is it brain tumor, I wondered or is it me going all crazy and insane? Was it about the book I read and was unable to lay down?
Or was it me that had triggered the thought that there was nothing for me? No reason to live, no reason to be at all. Strangely I did not feel sad in that very moment, just curious what it meant for me?
I wondered where he was, though not knowing his name. I was perfectly aware of the fact that my eyes seemed to be frozen on one single spot that hold nothing.
I could not breeze, at least not freely. Of course I could not speak.
A wave of cold panic slammed onto me. But I was not panicking, I was as calm, as motionless as I had never been before, but once. Perfectly still. Frozen.
I definitely was not trying to end it again, was I?
I felt miserable and still motionless.
It is just a really bad day, one of the darkest in my life, though I do not know why.