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2011-11-12 15:06
Happy ever after
You are sick. At least you feel so. It's a feeling in the stomach, maybe in your heart. Maybe it's boredom, possibly the work. You work a lot, turned into a workaholic. But than again, you've always been that in a certain, self-destructive way.
But years ago, despite all work, you knew how to enjoy yourself. Nowadays not so much.
You work, and that's it. You have a boyfriend and that's it. You have a flat, and that's about it.

Also it wasn't supposed to be that way. You were supposed to eventually be happy. It's what Stefan always said: When you are grown up, everything will be better.
Somebody must have seriously screwed up, as it is not better.
I am still with the guy I always dreamed of, dreamed of when I was sixteen, seventeen or eighteen, even at twenty-one. But nowadays I wonder whether he is the guy I hoped to be with at twenty-four.
I am not so sure any more. How the hell did that happen.
The one day you were crazy in love, thinking about a future, planning ahead. And then - woosh - do you really want to live with that guy? When did your heart stop to tingle, the butterfly wings stop to caress?
It's like I clapped my hands, and everything I initally wished for - changed. Somehow dissapeared. I was supposed to be the happy girl. Happy ever after.
Did I change, or everything around me? When did everything get so serious. Was it the work? Nowadays I am not serving beer and prosecco, but am responsible for 55 employees.
Was it because I stopped writing, or even more, chasing my dreams. But wasn't there a time when there was nothing I could dream of? Because I kind of - had it all? The job, the flat, the boyfriend? Was I easier to satisfy than? Or have I actually been happy, content with my life?
What are my dreams right now?
Is it terrible, that I don't know the answer. I should know it, shouldn't I? I should know what's missing, what can be improved. I should know.

I should be the happy girl.

Kommentare

01:03 13.11.2011
rationale und zielgerichtete lebensplanung erfordert zunächst ein klares und langfristiges ziel. dann kannst du prüfen, ob deine ausgangssituation o.k. ist.
dummerweise klappt kommt aber auch bei der besten planung meistens etwas dazwischen, häufig sogar recht viel
aber du kannst es ja mal probieren
eine wahrsagerin würde dir nach deinen gedanken über deine aktuelle situation wohl voraussagen, dass du bald einen neuen weg einschlägst. ob's wirklich der richtige ist, das erkennst du erst viel später vielleicht stellst du dann rückblickend fest, dass du heute tatsächlich schon "happy" warst?
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2011-11-12 15:06