ok i'm just gonna write untill i have this sensational idea thats gonna solve all the problems in one go! its gonna be amazing and easy done and i'm gonna be so proud with myself and happy and its all gonna be peaches and cream!

i have no idea how this solution is gonna look like yet but thats the whole point, it has to come to me, like this religious expiriences that some people have and after that they are completly changed and usually ready to go to a mental hospital but they are happy and thats exactly what i need. i'm afraid the whole god thing is not gonna work for me though, so i'll have to find something else but with similar effects.

ok what do we start with? the problem? well, its called beeing twenty, naiv and fucking stupid.

ok what can we do about it? point one is beeing twenty. all there is to do is to wait a bit more than a month. then i'm twentyone, i just doubt that it gonna chance the general situation. so, not helpful but maybe a start.

next thing: naiv. well yes, obviously, cause otherwise i wouldn't start getting nice again every single day. i could just ignore him all the time. but that doesn't stop me from beeing naiv in general. and actually i'm not sure if its naiv, cause i actually know that hes going to chance again.

that makes me defenately come to the point of being fucking stupid. but what can you do about being stupid? in general: learning. eventhough there is a difference between beeing uneducated and beeing stupid, education makes you becoming smarter, i'm sure. question: learning what, and whos gonna teach me? something to find out about.

god, thats starts getting diffecult. what would all the super smart people do whose texts you spent 9 years reading in school? (9 because i can't remeber reading anything smart in primary school).

metaphors. number one in the world of smart people. soooo what would be the top methaphor for my situation? a jump and run computergame. one of the old school 2D ones. i always did so badly playing them! you know how you try to jump on a moving platform and you just have to catch the right moment.. i always missed it. every single time i ended up in the water, in spiks or just in nothing. but you keep trying, of course, can't give up that fast. and now, this time, you know exactly when you have to jump. there it is, you wait, you wait, wou wait... NOW!-bam! missed it, again! and you keep trying and trying untill you make it, and you're so proud and you run down the little straight green line on the screen in front of you and there is the next one. and you jump! and you miss it.. and you have to start again.

don't feel better at all.