another day in paradise
haven't written anything for ages.
everything as usual thou
this is not good for me but i don't want to leave
just to think about it makes me sick
but i'm sick already. always a nasty comment on my lips, don't know how to be nice anymore. i don't get excited about simple things, i'm close to tears at least once a day, my mind needs 30 seconds to get into the twist of dark thoughts at anytime..
a few wrong words are enough to get me out of balance
i don't talk to anybody about things that are important, about things that are going on in my head.
i love this place for killing the despair of leaving every place i've ever been to. but it killed everything else with it.
i miss nothing more than the feeling to be loved. people i knew that they'd be always there. i know that i can tell them anything.. i know they are not going to tell me i was pathetic. i know that there is nothing that scares me. i'm not insecure, i know what their face expression mean, i know i can be childish or over excited and nobody minds.

"i'm just joking"
"you just end up giving each other shit"
"taugh'n up"

i'm always on defence..