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2004-06-02 23:16
Happy Bithday Part II
22.03.2004

It was a really, really strange weekend. Especially a strange birthday.
Of course I told everyone, that it was great and awesome, but honestly I don’t know what to think about it by my own.

I loved to be next to her, and not to have to be without her at that “special” day, although there wasn’t really anything special.

I joined so much time with …, and of course we also talked about her. About their friendship. About our friendship. I don’t know, but it feels like he would already know everything about me. I told him, when we met, how she was like at the beginning. That both of us changed.
He responded that it seems to him, like our friendship is kind of disgusting in some way, because it seems like I’m really addicted to her and so fixed on her. And the worst thing is, I wasn’t denying anything. I even didn’t try to explain that this is not right. But I also didn’t say nothing. Because in such a situation I love to talk about my feelings for her in such a indirect way. Honestly I want him to know exactly about it, although I’m afraid of being asked about it.
I never said it to anyone that I love her, and I also never will, but I love to say it to myself.
On the one hand I want everyone to know and to realize that I would really do everything for her, but on the other hand I’m just scared of the reactions, because it seems kind of embarrassing. I’m so scared.

When I arrived at home, for example I saw my diary laying on my bed. I was really shocked. They must have read it. Panic!! What would they think if they would know the “truth” about me! I just hope that they didn’t do it.

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2004-06-02 23:16