C... 2004
27.04.2004:

It’s really hard to imagine, but it’s true. My love has changed. And the way it changed really scares me a lot.

The last two weeks have been very specials ones, because we’ve been together all day long - first ... and than in C.... - C... 2004??? - it was great! Again it was that special dream world like at the beginning! Although there’ve been some dark sides. Actually just for me.

Cause, since that “special night” I feel even more vulnerable and it hurts to see her together with the others. Yes, of course I’m jealous. And I’ve always been. But now, it’s in a changed way - I’m jealous when she’s sitting next to another one, when she’s talking to another one and especially when she touches another one. It hurts me more than in former times to see and to feel when I’m not the special one for her - especially when I’m even not in C... the only one. C... - in OUR special world!!

Of course, we had a lot of fun together and it was really fantastic, but …
In the former years we’ve been together and next to each other in every single moment - just the two of us. Yes, we’ve been together also this year but there was nothing special. Usually we’ve been next to each other on every photo, we’ve been sitting next to each other at lunch or dinner and of course during the bus tours, she was always just talking to me about any problems, and especially we’ve been sleeping in just one bed… - but this year…! We’ve been next to each other, but at the same time she seemed so far away for me! Once we’ve been the special
C…-Dream-Team, but now….

Even when she’s next to me, I miss her like crazy because I’d love to feel her, and to touch her - just to be closer. I miss that special physical contact. For example just to hold her hand.

I think about her all the time, and honestly I don’t know if I’m actually feeling …attracted to her. Honestly, I think so, cause in some special moments I’d love just …to …., well…, just to ….