Prolongation
Nightfall is far gone, but you don't care. The night is full of secrets and mysteries - or so you always thought.
You are listening to the quiet burble of a fountain, that to be honest, doesn't really deserve the label.
You watch the fire; the licking flames, which devour the wooden logs until everything radiates and gleams scarlet. You feel the heat on your face and the warmth in your stomach caused by the two and a half glasses of wine.
You've decided for the wine with cool deliberation: It loosens your mood, eases the shyness that nowadays seems to be part of you, like the color of your hair.
Your intention is clear, the objective set.
You want to level the playing field, figure out where things are heading.
His shirt is of your favorite color - whatever that means - it's a petty detail.
You talk about the past, the future, dreams. You don't talk about the things at hand: The romantic touch of the evening, the aim he definitely had in mind whilst inviting you for the night. You don't talk about the one hot topic.
But deeds are better than words....
You talk and after hours of talking, it's not just words that fulfill your mind, but hands most accidentally touching your arm, the leg, the shoulder. And suddenly there is no distance, but ultimate closeness. Suddenly words are pointless…
Your gaze lingers on his mouth. It's just inches that separate you from - from a decision, an obvious sign.
And than - the moment is gone with a finger snap and although you feel that you've reached a new and more intimate level, nothing happens and perhaps - never will.
You reach out, but your touch is no decision or sign, just a prolongation - once again.
The distance between you is like a rubber band You gain ground, just to loose twice the next second.
And finally you realize, that there is a great chance that it'll always be that way. Because there are just too many things you've never talked about. You've never talked about the incidents concerning Melanie, you've never talked about nearly everything concerning this chapter in your life - and what chapter this had been. Full of tragedy, heartache and sometimes - desperation.
Full of men and errors, some more severe than others. Full of sex and love, not always in a healthy manner.
He wouldn't like the names on your list, he wouldn't acknowledge the people you've passed the time with while he'd stuck to a relationship based on lies.
He wouldn't like it at all. In fact, he would hate it.
Your affairs are a secret, but you are not stupid. They are like volcano's that could burst the very second. One false word, one drunk episode and your secret wouldn't be a secret anymore.
A revival based on lies is the same like a relationship based on lies. What does it mean? That you are nothing better than Melanie?
Does it mean that you should clear things up before deciding which course to take? Doesn't it mean to loose him?
But you can't loose what you never had. And you shouldn't fret about things you never felt sorry for until the very moment. You enjoyed the love affairs and in some way, they'd been your anchor, your salvation.
No, you can't regret what's been, but you also don't have the strength to stand up for the same things. You can't just tell him that you had an affair with one of his oldest friends - you just can't.
Because truth is you don't want to loose him another time. At the same time, you are not sure if you want him back.