Willkommen auf Tagtt!
Friday, 29. March 2024
Tagebücher » Bunny_Hop » News, Bilder, Videos - Online
Tagebuch Bunny_Hop
2009-06-07 18:36
All the same - but changed
Life - sometimes it turns out to be exactly what you always wished for, dreamed secretly in your private chamber. Sometimes it's even better.
Of course, sometimes life sucks, but luckily - not always.

You are back home, but still one step away as it changes you irrevocably. How can you be the same person with the new experiences, insights into another culture, another you? Life will never be the same as it was before you left, because you are no longer the same person. You are different, altered and not just because your hair cut has changed...

Anyway, some things will never change and for now you are not sure whether it's a good thing or something bad. Of course it's good to know that some basic things will stay as they are: The house, the village, the town. It's nice to have something familiar around.
Concerning other issues you are indifferent. Perhaps they should rather change? Isn't a technology that doesn't adapt to the environment, updates at some point obsolete - scrap?

Gordi wants to meet you and honestly, you want to see him too. Although seeing each other still means two different versions for both of you. He -still - hasn't forgotten what you used to be, though the time speaking is far gone and sometimes only a distant memory. It's difficult to get along, because the girl you've ones been is - in some parts - completely different to the woman you now are. It creates a conflict you never wanted to face. You appreciate the girl, but never want to go back to those inconstant years. Gordi doesn't leave the past, but continually brings up some things you've banned out of your thoughts, life - even memory.
He hits on you as he's always done and though it's a nice thing to know that there is somebody and likely will be for a little while longer - it's also odd, because you are no longer the girl he once loved.

Italian guy dances with you, tells you wicked stories about his dilemma which present to buy for your past birthday. It's a sweet gesture and sweet he'll always be for you.
Two things you would want to change - two things you can't alter and so he'll always be sweet. Unlikely more.

There is the other. Your last talk has definitely took place a year ago, but things change. For once that he's single again. It shouldn't mean anything to you, but it does. It always means something when the girl that has outdone you turns out to not be the one. You talk for more than an hour and like the gentle twang of a guitar it touches some strings inside your own.
A girl calls him the "nice guy" - and that he has always been, except for once.

And of course there is him. It would be a lie to pretend that you haven't looked out for him, turned your circles in order to catch a glimpse. It would be an even bigger lie to claim that you haven't speculated on a meeting, an encounter just to know… just to see how it feels.
But like always life has its own ideas of how things should happen and be. You literally ran into him on your way back from the toilet.
You have wondered how it would be, feel to finally see him again. You have dreamed of that very moment. (Which by itself is kind of sick but who can influence the subconscious mind?)
He embraces you dearly, honestly - and even so it's somehow sad, it touches you, though it shouldn't. But who can ignore sincerity? It's his ploy and the reason why you can't forget, because can someone be such a good actor?
His reaction and yours has never been different, although it should be. It should be normal to see each other, a nuisance, but not like this. He shouldn't grasp for your hand, he shouldn't lead you to a quiet corner, embrace you again and kiss you on the cheeks. He shouldn't tell you that he has thought of you and ask you how life has been. He should greet you, ask a polite "how are you" and move on and you should do the same.
He shouldn't be the way he is. He just shouldn't be… and you also shouldn't be the way you are when it comes to him.
Later you meet again and he is drunk. Drunk like … nobody in "your" age should ever be again. He grabs your hand, leads you around, staggers and nearly knocks you down.
He is totally drunk. You see it in his eyes, in the way he acts and you have to suppress worry, the feeling to look out for him. (How sick is that? The guy has literally tramped on all your feelings…)
Anyway you see the alcohol in his behaviour. Body contact, hands on your hips and on some other places. He doesn't understands what you say and for a moment you don't understand it either.
You care about the people watching, tell him to be drunk and than you realize that also you would want to follow, seek a quiet corner - you are no longer the girl or woman for such a thing.
Here you are, desperately longing for a diversion, shrivelled like a plant on deprivation of water, but you can't do it. You can't follow the invitation and there you are - rooted to the point, frozen in the moment. You take his hands and lead them away from more intimate parts and you abandon him in the middle of the room. You just walk away and feel the conflict with every step.
He should never have drunken so much, facing him sober would have been better for both of you.
Anyway he doesn't give up, which makes the whole situation more surreal. It shouldn't be that way. Anyhow, you are too soft hearted to ignore his attempts to get you alone. For some reason you can't be so cold or mean, also he has never treated you anything different. He would earn it and he does.
You talk to him in the presence of others until he makes the move. The "come-with-me"- move you've always longed for in the past.
This time you ignore it until he vanishes.
You deserve better.

Tags

leben 

Kommentare

02:56 08.06.2009
U deserve best tja, noch immer auf der suche nach dem richtigen, wie so viele. je älter man wird, um so wenig "unvernünftiger" lässt man sich wohl sein und es wird schwerer und schwerer, den richtigen zu finden.
und würdest wohl gern zurückkehren in "unvernünftige" zeiten, als du dich einfach so verliebtest?
was machen studium, beruf? alles in trockenen tüchern?
irgendwie geht's ganz straight in richtung karriere - und es werden dann wohl die arme eines anderen karrieristen sein, in denen du dich dann letztendlich findest, ist gar nicht negativ gemeint
und glücklich kann man dann auch sein. wenn auch anders als früher ...
Good luck!
Soll der Kommentar wirklich gelöscht werden?
Löschen | Abbrechen


unbekannt
23:19 07.06.2009
Hui. Anfangs dachte ich, ich würde das Ende kennen, aber Du bist wohl wirklich anders, jetzt. Bleibt die Frage ob Du es in einem der nächsten Einträge bereuhst?

Kommentar löschen
Soll der Kommentar wirklich gelöscht werden?
Löschen | Abbrechen

19:54 07.06.2009
oh wie schade das ich diese sprache sooo furchtbar schlecht behersche.. ich hab mir echt mühe gegeben, hab auch einiges verstanden, aber nach der hälfte hab ich aufgeben müssen... wo ich grade heute gedacht hab das es lange her ist das du was geschrieben hast
Soll der Kommentar wirklich gelöscht werden?
Löschen | Abbrechen

Kommentieren


Nur für registrierte User.

Bunny_Hop Offline

Mitglied seit: 29.07.2005
DE mehr...
Wirklich beenden?
Ja | Nein

2009-06-07 18:36