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2015-12-13 11:44
The Big O
I should have been honest about that one. Should, should, should… But then again, who wants to be honest about such an intimate thing? Who wants to talk about the problem to relax, enjoy, give in and just be? Who wants to talk about something that normally comes naturally. That came naturally for you once?

It has never been difficult, until it was.

It stopped happening. Like everything else in your life. One more thing that just ceased to be.
And again you don't know. Was it the work, the insane hours, being on edge all the time or was it him and his lack of caring? Was it you, for not demanding, for not doing it yourself? Was it the illness, was it the surgery, was it the cancer?
But then - the cancer was just recently and the last time you had one.. You don't remember the last time you had one.
It wasn't the illness, it wasn't natures fault. Was it your fault or was it his fault? And who cares whose fault it was? At one point it was just enjoying the company, until it became an obligation to satisfy the needs of the other, until it became a thing for special occasions and whenever you had the feeling that you should do it again. It became a monthly event or less.
No wonder you feel old.

It was enjoyable once, it was an obligation then, it hurt in the end. There were times you weren't thinking much about it. Probably for lack of time to think. But now you are here. And he proposed a few weeks ago.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person that doesn't care?
Can you live without it for the rest of your life?

You touch yourself and realize that it feels different. It takes some time to get into it and until a certain point it is fine. But your brain never shuts of. Maybe you have lost the key. Maybe you have lost the tune.

You dream:

He kisses you and also you are tense at the beginning, he slows you down. Makes you quiver with a few slow kisses. He caresses your hair at the side of your head and you realize it is a good spot to be caressed. Have you ever been touched there?
He touches you in other places and whilst you are enjoying what his fingers do, you already know that you can't let go.
But you can give and offer.

Maybe it is a road you have to go on your own. Maybe it is a path that is forever lost to you.

Kommentare

03:22 15.12.2015
Was wäre das Leben so langweilig ohne Entscheidungen. An anderer Stelle hier hatte ich Goethes "zwei Herzen"-Sentenz gepostet, ja, wenn man nur wüßte ...
Good luck !
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2015-12-13 11:44